Transitions to New Beginnings!

 I'm starting a new blog, I just haven't had time to start it!  Haha, I'll link to it here once I get it up.  

I'm hosting a podcast produced by Rebirth4Love called Peace, Be Still. I'm really excited about it. 

I started a new job in March working for a crisis and assessment center for teenagers in trouble with the law. I love it, I don't know why, but those kids are very special to me, and to God. 

Keep me in your prayers!  

https://youtu.be/ALuiPezvhG8?si=9ZBjgMOGGYCl74rX

Walking a mile in someone else's shoe

 

So, sometimes we experience something to learn what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes.

I’m not at liberty yet to say the particular situation going on with me.  I will say it involved frowning at the wrong time. Which, is super ironic if you know me because I almost always have a smile. Rarely do I actually use facial muscles in a downward motion. What triggered the response was so stupid, and I’m not sure why my emotions ran so high. I will say it’s making me evaluate how much I let the influencers I follow influence me. I don’t think you recognize it until it slaps you in the face. The good side is you have the opportunity to introspect and figure out what upset you and why (if you are self aware.)

It sucks to feel like you’ve been wrongly judged and accused. Judged before you’ve ever had a conversation with someone. Labeled falsely.  But even as I was thinking about the situation from the get go, I was thinking about my African American brothers and sisters, who experience or think they experience such judgements and accusations all the time.

We’ve become a highly racialized charged society.  Back in 2000, the population felt race relations were in a good place. Fast forward to 2024, and the world has been filled with hate. Unnecessarily.

Thanks to influences like CRT. It’s not that it sounds bad initially, but it permeates your way of looking and thinking about the world in a very unhealthy way.

But there’s little healthy dialogue about it either way, people accuse instead of listen. That goes both ways, left and right.

I don’t know. Its very hard to have a dialogue when you feel defensive or up in arms.

In the Perspectives class I'm sitting in on, we were exploring Jesus’ response to being falsely accused before Pilate before He was crucified. It’s interesting to think, He was silent.

Jesus was perfect. He’d done nothing wrong. How did He have the self control to just listen to the religious leaders vilify him?

Sometimes, many times, it’s better to just bite your tongue. Your silence reveals your innocence.

But that can be really, really hard. If you don’t have self awareness and self confidence, you’re sunk.

I keep rehearsing what happened in my mind. Nothing was said directly, but everything wrong was communicated clearly.

Why do I wear my emotions on my skin, and let stupid things bother me?  Things that others perceive as innocent, I get all bent out shape about internally. But I don’t know where to go with my emotions. Which brings me to the next subject of the night, boundaries and trauma dumping.

First of all, I don’t have a good track record with boundaries.

But, as I was writing, I was better able to see, where things have gone wrong in the past, and what’s my responsibility, so I don’t repeat the same mistakes over and over. That sounds terrible, to never keep a friend. Anyhow, when I recognized how unhealthy my trauma dumping was, I was convicted, and need to apologize to that friend asap, and find a counselor who can handle all my stuff. Because I have a lot of unprocessed stuff.

I have a lot of anger, and anxiety. Something tells me that’s a diagnosis I share with a lot of the population, but I can’t control anyone else. My responsibility isn’t to take on the world’s junk, it’s to take ownership of me. Good bad and ugly.

I think the frustrating thing about my anger is, I feel it’s out of my control. I know that thinking won’t help me gain control. But, it’s just like, the more I’ve tried to improve it over the years, the worse it’s gotten. I explode on my mom, I got so upset with a neighbor I was biting my tongue to not yell, I don’t know. I’m supposed to be held by the Prince of Peace, but that department can be lacking.

Then I struggle with self-condemnation and guilt, and a spirit of offense. It just goes from bad to worse.

And anxiety? I don’t necessarily show it, but, read my poems and you’ll be like whoa. This girl needs something else on her mind.

I do tend to see things as black and white. All or nothing. No wiggle room, no in between. Either you’re in or you’re out.

But that’s not how life is, and that’s not how most people operate.

I don’t know.  I haven’t slept much lately.

I am all over the place!...

 

Hello World!  Sorry no write for so long!  I have too many goals I’m juggling and widdling it all down, well, let’s just say I realize I can’t do it all. Well, I can, just not all at once. So I’m picking and choosing what to pursue.

Many years ago I took this class called Perspectives in the World Mission Movement.  (Perspectives for short 😊.) It was an awesome class. Every week a different speaker would share their experiences while working through a text exploring the purpose, history, sociology, and current practices of world missions. I felt my heart pump faster for missions each week. The thought of every people group being reached throughout the world is mind blowing. But it is possible to happen within our lifetime, and I wonder what my part in it is.

I always thought I would end up on the foreign mission field myself. That was the plan. When it fell through, I reverted into a pitiful state of victimhood. Woe is me, my life cannot move forward the way I’ve dreamed. I did get stuck.

Now I’ve had some good counselors over the years, but my coach was more effective than any of them were. And… maybe I was just in a place where I was ready for change. Choosing a coach over grad school may seem silly to most, but to me, I see God’s hand in it. (I am concerned about those student loans I racked up though, they never disappear…)

So, ever since, I’ve wanted to become a coach myself. But, I haven’t the money for certification, and I don’t know how to have a business. But, I think it’s something you learn as you go. God has provided a way to get certified for free, and given me vision of what I’d like to do, the niche I want to work with and reach, and it seems like things will come together.

In two weeks I’ll start my first human services job since 2019. So, I took a 5 year hiatus from human services. I never intended to go back, but I’m getting excited about the job. I’m going to work for the Methodist Home for Children, working with youth who’ve gotten into trouble at a facility where they’re diagnosed and then sent somewhere more long-term. I’m very excited at the mission opportunity. I won’t be able to just preach, but I am confident I can place seeds of hope, encouragement, and change in them, and I’ll figure out how to sneak Jesus in along the way.

I plan on starting a podcast with a friend from my team to South Asia last October! And, that will lead people to the coaching business!  I’m trying to work through what to charge, or if it should be a non-profit, or let those who can afford it pay and offer scholarships for those who can’t. My plan is to start a coaching group of 8-12 people, and then offer individual coaching to those who can afford it. And then, the podcast would be free for anyone to listen to.

I plan on donating part of my profits to a man I met in South Asia who is doing amazing work planting house churches. I have another business I hope to get to soon enough to support him further. Either way, I want to use my business as a platform for missions. BAM. Business as mission. I even told my friend in South Asia, entrepreneurs run the world, we need more Christian entrepreneurs.

I’m excited, a little nervous, a little scared, but mostly excited, like, okay God put what I need into place as I go! And I’m manic… not psychotic manic thankfully, but pray my sleep will straighten out. I finished my 21 day fast finally!  And I think the stronghold gripping my life for so many years was torn down! PRAISE GOD!

Now… at the same time I’m juggling a relationship with a very special man from Rwanda who is trying his hardest to get here, but it’s looking like I will have to meet him first there, which… who wouldn’t want to visit Rwanda! Plus, I need to see, if that’s somewhere I might like to live in the future!  Plus, I need to see Honore in person to make sure we really will click. Anyhow, pray that we can figure things out, that I can figure my life out… I think he’s a little surprised at my ambitions. But I just… I know this is my time.

Ahhhh… my other mission field I’m leaving, from the past year and a half… Kilwins. I still may try to work a day or two here and there. This afternoon I’m writing two notes to the two I was closest to there that I know need Jesus. One is hostile to Christianity, the other is more open, but believes in a higher power, not God. I want to write them notes because I fear I didn’t share the Gospel directly enough to them. Well. One was just not willing to hear it. But I can’t leave without sharing the gospel clearly, even if it turns them off.

I also have a collection of friends who are trans or bi, or dating someone trans… it’s so interesting. I don’t know exactly how to share with them, and I do not change pronouns, I just use first names a lot. I just… I don’t want to offend, but I think inevitably I have to offend, as the Gospel is offensive to anyone’s sin.

I sometimes do still get lonely. Transition these past several years has been rough. I’ve lost more friends than I’ve gained I sometimes feel. But… things are getting better day by day. I am growing every day. And, I’m excited about what’s in store for the first time in a long time.

I do wonder, what might happen if global events go crazy as inevitably they will, if WW3 breaks out on American soil, or civil war begins, or another plandemic is started... the truth is, I don’t know, and there are a million things that could and maybe will happen. I really don’t delve into conspiracy world too much anymore, I know enough to know I don’t trust any government establishment, any global governance, Hollywood, big pharma, the news, etc etc. And I know America’s lot from Biblical prophecy. I don’t know timelines and won’t try to make predictions, although I’m sure another plandemic is on the way, and it will be worse than COVID has been. Which, I should clarify, when I say plandemic, I’m not trying to say there was no real disease, although I’ve heard good arguments for that stance. I’m just saying it was planned. And I believe whatever comes out next will be planned as well, and it will be much much worse than COVID. But I heard a man slip up and confess, the vaccines were made to sterilize the population. So glad I didn’t get it.

Please keep me covered in prayer, and I will commit to blogging again more faithfully 😊

Mom's Strange Dream

 

Mom’s Strange Dream

An interpretation of the dream

A message from the dream

My application of the dream

 

               The other morning, mom was telling me she’d had a nightmare. She was screaming in the nightmare and was so upset and she woke up literally screaming out loud as well. She said the dream was so scary! Then she told it to me, and I was like… hmmm maybe it was scary to you but doesn’t sound too bad to me!

               She told me the dream. We were in our old house. In the dining room, instead of the dining room table and chairs, there was a hospital bed, and Seth was in it.

               When you walked into our den, our wooden furniture was missing. Maybe it was antique furniture. Anyhow, it was all gone, and it puzzled mom as she looked around. Then she looked outside, and there was a rocking chair made of the wood from the house, and other little wooden fun furniture items. That’s when mom began to scream, because all her old furniture had been destroyed. I was not physically present in her dream.

               So… this past weekend I went to a John Ramirez deliverance conference with my friend Michele. I love her, if I’ve never blogged about how we met I’ll need to soon! She has a prophetic gift. Her gift specifically is that she sings messages from God prophetically to people. She sang to me, As the Deer panteth for the water so my soul panteth after thee… anyhow, something prompted me to tell her the dream. But then, she immediately had an interpretation of it! She was like, oh that’s so sad! You’re mom is too stuck in the past to recognize the gifts and new things God is doing right in front of her.

               My brother is broken, hence in a hospital bed. If you know him, you know this is true. No need to go into personal details here, but he can use your prayers.

               The old furniture is the past, what mom had known for years. The new furniture represents the new blessings in store for her. I wasn’t present in the dream, but I am the one who made the new furniture. Mom is so upset that the old me has disappeared, she cannot see the good in the new things happening in me.

               The message of the dream is to not hold on so tightly to the past that you miss what’s new going on in front of you.

               The application for me I suppose, is, I have to recognize that mom is not ready for me to grow and to go. It’s obvious that my brother needs help. But something different is happening in me, something new, something exciting, but mom is so stuck in wanting the past that she’s unable to see the beauty and creativity and change in me. Knowing this, I must continue to change and grow. I cannot let her refusal to move into the now keep me chained to the past.

               I’m so glad that I am growing, and even though it scares mom, she sees it as well. I recently decided not to move in with the friend I had thought I’d live with in January. It hasn’t eased my frustration with being here. I do need to get out, it just wasn’t the right move to move in with her.

               But we both recognize change is happening. One of us is excited about it, the other is scared. Mom is very scared as to what will happen to her when I move out and move on.

               Mom is not doing well at all. Her lymphedema is getting worse and worse, and it even alarms me that she could die, or have complications that put her in the hospital again, and if she goes in, will she come back at this point? Would she end up in a nursing home? And, what will happen to me and Seth, because we’ll be kicked out of the house.

               So I get her fears. Her whole world is soon about to change. As soon as I am able I’m moving out, and she know it. I even applied to work on a cruise ship to get away – but then I wouldn’t be able to pursue the dreams God has given me. And those will be a new thing, an exciting thing. But… I don’t need mom anymore. I’ve grown past that role.

               We can fear and resist change, or we can embrace it in all it’s glory. There is a choice in how we respond.

               I pray I don’t miss the opportunities to grow past the past into the future God is calling me towards.

Figuring out my calling

 

What does it mean to live into your calling?  How do you discover your calling?  And, does your calling change at different seasons of your life? 

I feel like I’ve been trying to figure out my calling, and I may be dancing around the edge of it at the moment, but I’m getting there… what’s in my heart isn’t a typical 9-5, and I honestly haven’t been able to pursue much outside of taking care of my mom the several years anyway. And, I can blame some of the frustrations of my past on curses, and I’m sure there have been plenty, but that doesn’t empower me to change. When you’re the constant victim in any given situation, you can’t see a way out. It may be right in front of you, but you can’t see it. And I’ve lived as a victim for way too many years. And so, that mentality has had to be broken. Three little words have gotten me there. Own Your Life.

I’m not sure I could have explained what those words actually meant a while back. Of course a person owns their life, it’s their life. But… I’m not just talking about a person physical state, but the totality of their life. Their EVERYTHING. Their relationships with their family, their spouse, their kids, their friends. Their finances. Their job/career. Their time. Their opportunities. Their education. Their choices. Their diet. Their taking care of themselves. Their faith. I mean, when I say everything, I mean it all!

               See… unless you take ownership of the decisions you make, your fate is at the hands of others, and you will continue to be a victim. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, I’ll say that again, cause it’s actually important. Unless you take ownership of the decisions you make in your life now, your fate will remain in the hands of others, who may not have your best interests at heart.

               It’s been… so when I lost my job in 2009, I sunk into a depression and just wallowed there. I felt so sorry for myself. My life, woe is me, I always struggle, I can never get a decent job, etc etc. I was stuck. But, with that attitude, what hope did I have of seeing true change?  I was so busy blaming circumstances for being crappy, that I wasn’t looking for solutions or ways out of the circumstance. It’s like, I lost all creativity and hope at that time. Honestly I don’t like to think about that period, because it’s painful to think about. It’s not that is was all bad, I had some close friends, but, it was just pretty dark, frustrating, and lonely.

               But in 2019, something sparked me back to life!  It was really crazy actually, I watched a Facebook ad about not using dating apps, and ended up hiring an exorbitantly expensive dating coach… oh and I am still single!  But I didn’t follow his instructions to a T so I always wonder, if I had… well, that aside, I just love jeans too much to only wear dresses, but, Jonah changed my life in other ways. He helped me believe in myself again. He helped me learn to love myself. He challenged me to realize I am not a victim.

               Well, when you hire an expensive dating coach and have no money, you think… maybe I need to get a job that makes money instead of returning to grad school and wracking up more debt. So, even though I’d worked hard to get back into UNC’s MSW program, and I had been re-admitted, well… I started applying for jobs, and I was called by Garrett, to come work for Brio in Raleigh/Durham. And Garrett also helped change my life.

               Garrett had a different way of motivating us, the people on his team. He never sugar-coated the job or said it was easy. He was constantly telling us how hard it was. He also talked about how rewarding it is, but how the hard work and sacrifice had to be made to see that reward.

               There was something about Garrett that left you feeling very empowered to knock a million doors a day, and set a million and one appointments for him. I don’t know. I don’t know what was possessing me that first day, in that first neighborhood, when I knocked on that first door. I was shaking, my voice was wavering, I was so freakin nervous! The homeowner felt compassion for me though, and went and got me a water bottle. He wasn’t interested in solar panels, but at least it was a friendly first knock. So I pressed in.

               And, I did overcome some serious fears, and learn perseverance, endurance, grit, positive self talk, but honestly persuasion wasn’t my strongest suit, and I never flourished as an appointment setter. Now, I’ve always wanted to return to it, and try it again, and prove that yes I can do this, but… when so many people tell you it’s not safe, you think, maybe it’s not a good idea after all.

               I did have a month stint in a partial hospitalization program that delayed things, and then there was a year or so attempting life insurance, which, trying to find my own leads and paying tons of $$ for programs to help me create leads that left me broke with nothing to invest to implement the program… and then just lacking sales conversation skills of controlling the conversation, well… that didn’t go so hot. So… I was kind of learning maybe what’s not my calling, but not exactly what IS my calling. But, I was taking ownership of my decisions… they kept not being so great, but I was learning.

               A million things converged in 2021 and landed me in the hospital in February, and when I came out, some were trying to tell me to go on disability. I was okay with applying for it at first, but the longer time went on, the more  I was like, hell no I’m not disabled to the extent I need government assistance, I NEVER want to rely on the government, let me get a job where I can make decent money QUICK. So, I worked at Venture Atlas, doing real estate wholesaling. Sounds simple, complicated and difficult to pull off. I had one almost deal that fell through. I did start to think I knew a better way to do it, but it was like, no… I better move on.

               Then I realized, I was burnt out. I WAS burnt out. I was spent from taking care of mom, and working full time, and I needed a break. Venture Atlas had switched to commissions only pay, and since I’d not gotten one deal I didn’t like my chances of making money there, so I opted to looking for a part time job instead. This, I knew, wouldn’t be a forever job.  But enough to cover my bills until I was ready to go full time again.

               So… I started off a Brick Oven and great wrestles for a real job real quick. I applied for several jobs, and I got two – one full time sales at Queen City, and the other PT at Kilwin’s.

               I wanted the Queen City job. I accepted the Queen City job, and then declined, and then accepted again, and then declined again, because God would not let me go or give me a peace about taking that job. Within a few weeks of working at Kilwin’s, mom’s leg helper got injured, and I was the natural person to step into her place. If I’d been working full time, who knows what would have happened.

               So this past year and a half I’ve been professionally caretaking for mom and working at an ice cream and sweets shop, which have been okay, but neither is my calling. Now that I’m moving out, I’m exploring calling once again.

               While the call to overseas missions doesn’t seem realistic, although there’s a young man in Rwanda who really wants me to marry him and live there, I have some goals and things I want to make happen here. I’ve already mentioned my coaching ideas, but I also do want to get into public speaking, starting in the school system, and I have a system that helps me with everything from crafting the speech to cold calling schools to land gigs, to building your website as your calling card. So, now that I’m going to have some time to work on this, I’m going to go after it hard. Goal is to at least get 3 speaking gigs before this school year is over. I’ve gotta get my act together.

               I still want to get into this air BNB business, but it’s a high cost for the business blueprint. So, we’ll see.

               There’s that book I need to write…

               I don’t know. I have a new job that pays decent, and it’s starting as part time but will go to full time (hopefully sooner than later,) It will be a good job, but I think I’m entrepreneurial spirit so it won’t last forever. But I will be loyal to their company as long as needed.

              

               So, we’ll see about this calling thing, if I’m ready to step into what God has planned for me in 2024.  I’m still doing what I need to do to shed off the @$%# from my past with you know what, and leave it conquered and behind in 2023. I’m ready though. I’m so ready. 

A PragerU 5 minute video about The CURE to Unhappiness

 https://www.prageru.com/video/the-key-to-unhappiness?utm_source=app&utm_medium=share

I thought you'd like this video from PragerU.

Take 5 minutes and reflect on the importance of cultivating gratitude in your life!  Dennis Prager is one of the wisest men I know!  

Thanksgiving Reflections

 

Before the day gets going and turns into crazy holiday mode, I thought I’d share about the things I’m most grateful for! Seems fitting for Thanksgiving!

I actually would say I’m thankful for even the opportunity to express my thanks, to God, and to the people around me! And, I try to take that opportunity as often as I can, because I am grateful every single day, for my salvation, for my family and friends… I don’t want to take anything for granted. Each day we have is not guaranteed. Tomorrow could hold all kinds of craziness. I was thanking God for the gift of time earlier. You know, we are so close to WWIII coming to our porch, and I was praying God would thwart the plans of any enemies of our country, or any enemies plotting to expand the wars currently being fought. I just feel like, my own life is finally starting to turn around, and selfishly I want more time to enjoy it. Also, I do want more time for the church to continue to spread the Gospel. Which… I’m grateful that more and more the great commission is being fulfilled by people native to their country. Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing when people sacrifice their comfortable lives here to go where God has called them to share, but someone from China is going to reach people in China and their surrounding countries a lot better than, say, me. I don’t know Chinese, I’m not as familiar with the culture or customs, it’s just… there are more barriers to overcome. But I do think we need to be obedient to wherever God calls us, regardless of how hard it may be. And I’m thankful for the missionaries that are obedient to go across the world and share the Gospel. We need both those missionaries to pioneer paths, and local believers to take over and plant churches like crazy.

I have this annoying cough that keeps hanging on. I’m even thankful for the reminder of how much I appreciate good health!

I’m very thankful for my mom. I do feel convicted that I went overseas and shared my frustrations about her with a bunch of strangers. I do think they are praying for me, but also, I hate if they got a bad impression of her. I’m not one to say mom is perfect. But, she does love me so much, and she’s tried her hardest to do the best for Seth and I that she can. It’s just hard now, she cannot even take care of herself. She thinks I’m moving out because I hate her. That’s not true. I’m moving because I want freedom to live my own life. That’s totally normal for a 41 year old to want independence from their mother! So… I have an idea of creating a tool to help me express my thanks to her… it will actually be harder to use than to create. But… it’s hard now because she doesn’t believe me when I say I’m thankful for her, even though it’s very true.

I am so thankful for the new friends God has sent me. Going through 2021 was hard. I lost a whole community of friends. I still haven’t talked to any of those people to this day. It’s just so strange. Part of me understands why they stopped being my friend, but part of me is frustrated with their reasons. Still, I cannot control them, and I think I had to move on from there to grow.

Anyhow, I have been blessed with a few new friends at least, some from Bible Fellowship at Calvary, some from Central Triad, some from the missions trip I went on most recently, and those who helped prepare me for the trip by doing Masterlife Together with me, one friend I’d met a few years ago but life got in the way, and we’ve been reunited. So… I’m just very thankful for these blessings, and look forward to God using them to help me grow, and likewise allowing God to use me to help them grow.

I’m grateful for a new job!  Which, ends up will be PT to start with, but that’s okay. I actually am excited about it, and think it will be challenging for sure, but will be a blessing as well. It’s a 50% raise from what I make now! Anyhow… it will be good.

I’m thankful for a new place to live. A friend who owns her house and has extra rooms has extended the invitation for me to live with her a little while until I can afford life on my own. Which, I will need roommates, but that’s in the future, not today.

And yall know I’m grateful for food, food that tastes good, that’s nutritious, etc. What a blessing I’ve had, the only meals I’ve missed have been from my choice to fast, not from poverty. And I do worry about food shortages… but apparently rice has little bugs that come out, and I have a TON of rice, and I’d rather it get eaten than ruin, so if you know someone wanting a 25 pound bag of rise let me know… I’ve got several!

There’s so much to be grateful for, and I hope you’re able to reflect on that today, but really every day. Also say a prayer that my annoying cough will GO AWAY!!! Happy Thanksgiving!