Figuring out my calling

 

What does it mean to live into your calling?  How do you discover your calling?  And, does your calling change at different seasons of your life? 

I feel like I’ve been trying to figure out my calling, and I may be dancing around the edge of it at the moment, but I’m getting there… what’s in my heart isn’t a typical 9-5, and I honestly haven’t been able to pursue much outside of taking care of my mom the several years anyway. And, I can blame some of the frustrations of my past on curses, and I’m sure there have been plenty, but that doesn’t empower me to change. When you’re the constant victim in any given situation, you can’t see a way out. It may be right in front of you, but you can’t see it. And I’ve lived as a victim for way too many years. And so, that mentality has had to be broken. Three little words have gotten me there. Own Your Life.

I’m not sure I could have explained what those words actually meant a while back. Of course a person owns their life, it’s their life. But… I’m not just talking about a person physical state, but the totality of their life. Their EVERYTHING. Their relationships with their family, their spouse, their kids, their friends. Their finances. Their job/career. Their time. Their opportunities. Their education. Their choices. Their diet. Their taking care of themselves. Their faith. I mean, when I say everything, I mean it all!

               See… unless you take ownership of the decisions you make, your fate is at the hands of others, and you will continue to be a victim. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, I’ll say that again, cause it’s actually important. Unless you take ownership of the decisions you make in your life now, your fate will remain in the hands of others, who may not have your best interests at heart.

               It’s been… so when I lost my job in 2009, I sunk into a depression and just wallowed there. I felt so sorry for myself. My life, woe is me, I always struggle, I can never get a decent job, etc etc. I was stuck. But, with that attitude, what hope did I have of seeing true change?  I was so busy blaming circumstances for being crappy, that I wasn’t looking for solutions or ways out of the circumstance. It’s like, I lost all creativity and hope at that time. Honestly I don’t like to think about that period, because it’s painful to think about. It’s not that is was all bad, I had some close friends, but, it was just pretty dark, frustrating, and lonely.

               But in 2019, something sparked me back to life!  It was really crazy actually, I watched a Facebook ad about not using dating apps, and ended up hiring an exorbitantly expensive dating coach… oh and I am still single!  But I didn’t follow his instructions to a T so I always wonder, if I had… well, that aside, I just love jeans too much to only wear dresses, but, Jonah changed my life in other ways. He helped me believe in myself again. He helped me learn to love myself. He challenged me to realize I am not a victim.

               Well, when you hire an expensive dating coach and have no money, you think… maybe I need to get a job that makes money instead of returning to grad school and wracking up more debt. So, even though I’d worked hard to get back into UNC’s MSW program, and I had been re-admitted, well… I started applying for jobs, and I was called by Garrett, to come work for Brio in Raleigh/Durham. And Garrett also helped change my life.

               Garrett had a different way of motivating us, the people on his team. He never sugar-coated the job or said it was easy. He was constantly telling us how hard it was. He also talked about how rewarding it is, but how the hard work and sacrifice had to be made to see that reward.

               There was something about Garrett that left you feeling very empowered to knock a million doors a day, and set a million and one appointments for him. I don’t know. I don’t know what was possessing me that first day, in that first neighborhood, when I knocked on that first door. I was shaking, my voice was wavering, I was so freakin nervous! The homeowner felt compassion for me though, and went and got me a water bottle. He wasn’t interested in solar panels, but at least it was a friendly first knock. So I pressed in.

               And, I did overcome some serious fears, and learn perseverance, endurance, grit, positive self talk, but honestly persuasion wasn’t my strongest suit, and I never flourished as an appointment setter. Now, I’ve always wanted to return to it, and try it again, and prove that yes I can do this, but… when so many people tell you it’s not safe, you think, maybe it’s not a good idea after all.

               I did have a month stint in a partial hospitalization program that delayed things, and then there was a year or so attempting life insurance, which, trying to find my own leads and paying tons of $$ for programs to help me create leads that left me broke with nothing to invest to implement the program… and then just lacking sales conversation skills of controlling the conversation, well… that didn’t go so hot. So… I was kind of learning maybe what’s not my calling, but not exactly what IS my calling. But, I was taking ownership of my decisions… they kept not being so great, but I was learning.

               A million things converged in 2021 and landed me in the hospital in February, and when I came out, some were trying to tell me to go on disability. I was okay with applying for it at first, but the longer time went on, the more  I was like, hell no I’m not disabled to the extent I need government assistance, I NEVER want to rely on the government, let me get a job where I can make decent money QUICK. So, I worked at Venture Atlas, doing real estate wholesaling. Sounds simple, complicated and difficult to pull off. I had one almost deal that fell through. I did start to think I knew a better way to do it, but it was like, no… I better move on.

               Then I realized, I was burnt out. I WAS burnt out. I was spent from taking care of mom, and working full time, and I needed a break. Venture Atlas had switched to commissions only pay, and since I’d not gotten one deal I didn’t like my chances of making money there, so I opted to looking for a part time job instead. This, I knew, wouldn’t be a forever job.  But enough to cover my bills until I was ready to go full time again.

               So… I started off a Brick Oven and great wrestles for a real job real quick. I applied for several jobs, and I got two – one full time sales at Queen City, and the other PT at Kilwin’s.

               I wanted the Queen City job. I accepted the Queen City job, and then declined, and then accepted again, and then declined again, because God would not let me go or give me a peace about taking that job. Within a few weeks of working at Kilwin’s, mom’s leg helper got injured, and I was the natural person to step into her place. If I’d been working full time, who knows what would have happened.

               So this past year and a half I’ve been professionally caretaking for mom and working at an ice cream and sweets shop, which have been okay, but neither is my calling. Now that I’m moving out, I’m exploring calling once again.

               While the call to overseas missions doesn’t seem realistic, although there’s a young man in Rwanda who really wants me to marry him and live there, I have some goals and things I want to make happen here. I’ve already mentioned my coaching ideas, but I also do want to get into public speaking, starting in the school system, and I have a system that helps me with everything from crafting the speech to cold calling schools to land gigs, to building your website as your calling card. So, now that I’m going to have some time to work on this, I’m going to go after it hard. Goal is to at least get 3 speaking gigs before this school year is over. I’ve gotta get my act together.

               I still want to get into this air BNB business, but it’s a high cost for the business blueprint. So, we’ll see.

               There’s that book I need to write…

               I don’t know. I have a new job that pays decent, and it’s starting as part time but will go to full time (hopefully sooner than later,) It will be a good job, but I think I’m entrepreneurial spirit so it won’t last forever. But I will be loyal to their company as long as needed.

              

               So, we’ll see about this calling thing, if I’m ready to step into what God has planned for me in 2024.  I’m still doing what I need to do to shed off the @$%# from my past with you know what, and leave it conquered and behind in 2023. I’m ready though. I’m so ready.