I was supposed to go on a missions trip the summer of 2009 to Baltimore, Maryland, with Vertical Generation, the high school choir I was a sponsor with. Well... it was derailed when I spent three weeks in the psych ward and had to go to the partial hospitalization program for two weeks. It was that summer I was diagnosed with bi-polar, and my life went topsy-turvy ever since.
I've been through a lot since then, I've gone through multiple jobs, hospitalizations, churches, half a grad school program... seems like nothing has stuck. But I've kindof realized that, maybe I'm not meant for a traditional cog in the wheel job anyway.
Growing up, I always thought I'd be a foreign missionary. It just made sense with my heart for the lost, and passion for my relationship with God, love for the Bible and praying... that's where I was headed.
In college, I narrowed things down a little more. At one point in college, a dear friend confronted me and said she really thought I needed counseling to help me deal with my feelings around my dad. I didn't realize I had unresolved emotions, but I took her up on her advice. I began reading Inside Out by Larry Crabb. and started processing a lot of stuff, that needed to come out. And I realized, there are many Christians that have these emotions and experiences they need healing from as well. Finally, I had an epiphany that, foreign missionaries are some of the people who need counseling and care the most, and I planned on going into missionary care.
Well, UNC Chapel Hill doesn't offer Missionary Care as a major, shock shock, so I looked at grad school options. I visited Wheaton, but didn't think I had the GRE scores to get in. I decided I didn't want to go straight to school, but would like experience as a missionary for a few years before seminary. So I applied to be a journeyman with the International Mission Board, and I was accepted, and was thrilled!
But then, a funny thing happened. I went to a vision casting weekend, where they held up a mirror and said, look in this closely to make sure you're ready for this, because it will be the hardest thing in your life, and if you're not ready, it could be a really bad thing to do. Well... God told me I was not ready. I tried to ignore His voice at first, but then I was sick and nervous and felt awful until I told someone I wasn't going, God was telling me to wait.
I still didn't want to have a traditional job, but it was past deadlines for grad school acceptance. But then I remembered a friend talking about the ministry he was at in Colorado Springs, The Dale House Project! It wasn't overseas missions, but it definitely was missions with high risk teenagers coming from being locked up and needing to learn independent living skills. Some people would shy away, but I had a lot of fun living in that community. I still look back on that as maybe the best year of my life.
That was from 2004-2005. I didn't apply to seminary right away, I thought I'd be a ski bum for a while. But then, my brother was leaving for Iraq with the army, and the thought of my mom being all alone over holidays and such really concerned me. So I moved back home to NC, I feel like I've been drifting and not really satisfied with what I'm doing ever since. But I think I'm a round peg people keep trying to shove into square holes. It's not going to work. I need to do my own thing and see it succeed.
I guess my plans to live overseas and do missions or counseling have been derailed in a sense. My mom is handicapped, and her needs have grown over the years, and I can't just move around the world, and leave her with all her needs and no one to help!
I'm not gonna lie though, my heart has been less than happy to be here for much of the past 18 years? More like, it's been resentful and downright bitter, frustrated, and angry. I made the choice to come back home, but it didn't feel like it, it felt like I did it out of obligation.
Have you been there before? You feel like your the victim to your circumstances that you can't change or have control over, and so you're never really happy?
I feel like I lived in the depressed shell for so long, and when I finally came out of it, I wondered why my so called friends let me live that way for so long.
A little explanation on that - in 2019 I did something crazy, I hired a dating coach. Some of yall may not realize this but, coaches can cost lots of $$$$, thousands of $$$$, and I did not have thousands of $$$$ to give to him. In fact, at that moment I didn't even have a job, and was supposed to start an internship for grad school that summer.
So... even though financially I took a HIT, I feel like it changed my life for the better. If it was only for one thing, Jonah helped me throw off that victim mentality and empowered me to live and own my life. It was so great. It really did change my life.
But, it does beg to differ why those closest to me at that point let me linger in a victim mentality, if they were so close to me... I'm working through forgiving people still, but it's a process.
I'm done lingering in bitterness now though. I want a heart of gratitude.
This past spring, a team of six went from Calvary to South Asia on mission. The gospel is spreading and the church is growing there! However it's growing so rapidly that, some in the church are needing help with learning discipleship tools as lay people. The leadership track is well developed, but those who aren't directly going into leadership need more attention. And so, that's why this team went, to teach discipleship skills to the local South Asians.
Which is also the aim of the small group I'm going with in a month!
When I heard them present about their trip, my heart lept with excitement. I totally wanted to go! But, fundraising, I wasn't so sure about. I've never been too great at it, and it just intimidates me. But a friend persuaded me to go for it. She said, Stace, the people who know you know you're taking care of your mom, you don't have time or energy for a full time job to make decent money, and they will want to support you. So, I was like, okay, here we go. God You're going to have to show up BIG here!
Which brings you, reader, up to date with me. I leave Sept 29 for South Asia with 5 others, and am geared up to do a LOT of teaching over that week. So the trip won't be as much evangelism, but will be training in discipleship.
There are several ways you can support me in this endeavor.
You can pray. Prayer changes things. Pray for our team to have safe travels, and maybe opportunities to share the Gospel with those on the plane, etc. Pray for good conversations.
Pray that our team would bond and even when we're split into two cities, we would be able to encourage each other. Pray that our teaching the material would go well, however we split it up, and for us to study it well before the trip. Pray that we would be a blessing to the South Asians, and we could encourage them and build them up even as they sharpen us as well. Pray for South Asia in general - with over 4 billion people, and only a fraction of them currently beleivers, there's a lot to do to get the Gospel to everyone there. I think half of the unreached people groups in the world are in South Asia. The gospel has to go forth, and the men and women we'll be training are the ones who will go out and share with their fellow South Asians. Here's the thing: Christians are heavily persecuted in this part of the world. Like, they could be ostracized, put in jail, or even killed for being a Christian. I know we in the West don't understand that right now, but I foresee a day soon where we will face persecution as well. But, please pray for their boldness to share the Gospel even in danger, confidence in Christ, safety as they share, hope in the Gospel above all else, peace in knowing this world is not their home. Pray the bold kinds of prayers you would want someone else to pray over you if you lived in a dark lost land as well.
You can give! If you're a member of Calvary Baptist Church and are set up in their giving portal, the easiest thing will be...
Please visit calvarynow.com/give and click online
giving. At the top of the screen, click on Missions trips and locate the South
Asia October trip, Campaign 167. Then find my name, Stacy Lane, #5237. Whatever
you give will be credited to my account.
If you're not a member, please write a check to Calvary Baptist Church.
Write my name &
“trip #167” on the memo line. Mail to:
Calvary Baptist
Church
134 S. Peace Haven
Rd.,
Winston-Salem, NC
27104
Last, if you're led, I would love to hear from you! Please leave me an encouraging note/prayer/Bible verse, and if you want you can include an update about yourself and something I can pray about for you! Heart4thenations3282@proton.me
If you get your note to me soon, I can share it with my teammates while we're in South Asia, I know it will be encouraging for them all to hear!
I really feel the Lord pushing me to do this blog.
Thank you so much for sticking with me this far. God bless you.
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