Figuring out my calling

 

What does it mean to live into your calling?  How do you discover your calling?  And, does your calling change at different seasons of your life? 

I feel like I’ve been trying to figure out my calling, and I may be dancing around the edge of it at the moment, but I’m getting there… what’s in my heart isn’t a typical 9-5, and I honestly haven’t been able to pursue much outside of taking care of my mom the several years anyway. And, I can blame some of the frustrations of my past on curses, and I’m sure there have been plenty, but that doesn’t empower me to change. When you’re the constant victim in any given situation, you can’t see a way out. It may be right in front of you, but you can’t see it. And I’ve lived as a victim for way too many years. And so, that mentality has had to be broken. Three little words have gotten me there. Own Your Life.

I’m not sure I could have explained what those words actually meant a while back. Of course a person owns their life, it’s their life. But… I’m not just talking about a person physical state, but the totality of their life. Their EVERYTHING. Their relationships with their family, their spouse, their kids, their friends. Their finances. Their job/career. Their time. Their opportunities. Their education. Their choices. Their diet. Their taking care of themselves. Their faith. I mean, when I say everything, I mean it all!

               See… unless you take ownership of the decisions you make, your fate is at the hands of others, and you will continue to be a victim. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, I’ll say that again, cause it’s actually important. Unless you take ownership of the decisions you make in your life now, your fate will remain in the hands of others, who may not have your best interests at heart.

               It’s been… so when I lost my job in 2009, I sunk into a depression and just wallowed there. I felt so sorry for myself. My life, woe is me, I always struggle, I can never get a decent job, etc etc. I was stuck. But, with that attitude, what hope did I have of seeing true change?  I was so busy blaming circumstances for being crappy, that I wasn’t looking for solutions or ways out of the circumstance. It’s like, I lost all creativity and hope at that time. Honestly I don’t like to think about that period, because it’s painful to think about. It’s not that is was all bad, I had some close friends, but, it was just pretty dark, frustrating, and lonely.

               But in 2019, something sparked me back to life!  It was really crazy actually, I watched a Facebook ad about not using dating apps, and ended up hiring an exorbitantly expensive dating coach… oh and I am still single!  But I didn’t follow his instructions to a T so I always wonder, if I had… well, that aside, I just love jeans too much to only wear dresses, but, Jonah changed my life in other ways. He helped me believe in myself again. He helped me learn to love myself. He challenged me to realize I am not a victim.

               Well, when you hire an expensive dating coach and have no money, you think… maybe I need to get a job that makes money instead of returning to grad school and wracking up more debt. So, even though I’d worked hard to get back into UNC’s MSW program, and I had been re-admitted, well… I started applying for jobs, and I was called by Garrett, to come work for Brio in Raleigh/Durham. And Garrett also helped change my life.

               Garrett had a different way of motivating us, the people on his team. He never sugar-coated the job or said it was easy. He was constantly telling us how hard it was. He also talked about how rewarding it is, but how the hard work and sacrifice had to be made to see that reward.

               There was something about Garrett that left you feeling very empowered to knock a million doors a day, and set a million and one appointments for him. I don’t know. I don’t know what was possessing me that first day, in that first neighborhood, when I knocked on that first door. I was shaking, my voice was wavering, I was so freakin nervous! The homeowner felt compassion for me though, and went and got me a water bottle. He wasn’t interested in solar panels, but at least it was a friendly first knock. So I pressed in.

               And, I did overcome some serious fears, and learn perseverance, endurance, grit, positive self talk, but honestly persuasion wasn’t my strongest suit, and I never flourished as an appointment setter. Now, I’ve always wanted to return to it, and try it again, and prove that yes I can do this, but… when so many people tell you it’s not safe, you think, maybe it’s not a good idea after all.

               I did have a month stint in a partial hospitalization program that delayed things, and then there was a year or so attempting life insurance, which, trying to find my own leads and paying tons of $$ for programs to help me create leads that left me broke with nothing to invest to implement the program… and then just lacking sales conversation skills of controlling the conversation, well… that didn’t go so hot. So… I was kind of learning maybe what’s not my calling, but not exactly what IS my calling. But, I was taking ownership of my decisions… they kept not being so great, but I was learning.

               A million things converged in 2021 and landed me in the hospital in February, and when I came out, some were trying to tell me to go on disability. I was okay with applying for it at first, but the longer time went on, the more  I was like, hell no I’m not disabled to the extent I need government assistance, I NEVER want to rely on the government, let me get a job where I can make decent money QUICK. So, I worked at Venture Atlas, doing real estate wholesaling. Sounds simple, complicated and difficult to pull off. I had one almost deal that fell through. I did start to think I knew a better way to do it, but it was like, no… I better move on.

               Then I realized, I was burnt out. I WAS burnt out. I was spent from taking care of mom, and working full time, and I needed a break. Venture Atlas had switched to commissions only pay, and since I’d not gotten one deal I didn’t like my chances of making money there, so I opted to looking for a part time job instead. This, I knew, wouldn’t be a forever job.  But enough to cover my bills until I was ready to go full time again.

               So… I started off a Brick Oven and great wrestles for a real job real quick. I applied for several jobs, and I got two – one full time sales at Queen City, and the other PT at Kilwin’s.

               I wanted the Queen City job. I accepted the Queen City job, and then declined, and then accepted again, and then declined again, because God would not let me go or give me a peace about taking that job. Within a few weeks of working at Kilwin’s, mom’s leg helper got injured, and I was the natural person to step into her place. If I’d been working full time, who knows what would have happened.

               So this past year and a half I’ve been professionally caretaking for mom and working at an ice cream and sweets shop, which have been okay, but neither is my calling. Now that I’m moving out, I’m exploring calling once again.

               While the call to overseas missions doesn’t seem realistic, although there’s a young man in Rwanda who really wants me to marry him and live there, I have some goals and things I want to make happen here. I’ve already mentioned my coaching ideas, but I also do want to get into public speaking, starting in the school system, and I have a system that helps me with everything from crafting the speech to cold calling schools to land gigs, to building your website as your calling card. So, now that I’m going to have some time to work on this, I’m going to go after it hard. Goal is to at least get 3 speaking gigs before this school year is over. I’ve gotta get my act together.

               I still want to get into this air BNB business, but it’s a high cost for the business blueprint. So, we’ll see.

               There’s that book I need to write…

               I don’t know. I have a new job that pays decent, and it’s starting as part time but will go to full time (hopefully sooner than later,) It will be a good job, but I think I’m entrepreneurial spirit so it won’t last forever. But I will be loyal to their company as long as needed.

              

               So, we’ll see about this calling thing, if I’m ready to step into what God has planned for me in 2024.  I’m still doing what I need to do to shed off the @$%# from my past with you know what, and leave it conquered and behind in 2023. I’m ready though. I’m so ready. 

A PragerU 5 minute video about The CURE to Unhappiness

 https://www.prageru.com/video/the-key-to-unhappiness?utm_source=app&utm_medium=share

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Take 5 minutes and reflect on the importance of cultivating gratitude in your life!  Dennis Prager is one of the wisest men I know!  

Thanksgiving Reflections

 

Before the day gets going and turns into crazy holiday mode, I thought I’d share about the things I’m most grateful for! Seems fitting for Thanksgiving!

I actually would say I’m thankful for even the opportunity to express my thanks, to God, and to the people around me! And, I try to take that opportunity as often as I can, because I am grateful every single day, for my salvation, for my family and friends… I don’t want to take anything for granted. Each day we have is not guaranteed. Tomorrow could hold all kinds of craziness. I was thanking God for the gift of time earlier. You know, we are so close to WWIII coming to our porch, and I was praying God would thwart the plans of any enemies of our country, or any enemies plotting to expand the wars currently being fought. I just feel like, my own life is finally starting to turn around, and selfishly I want more time to enjoy it. Also, I do want more time for the church to continue to spread the Gospel. Which… I’m grateful that more and more the great commission is being fulfilled by people native to their country. Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing when people sacrifice their comfortable lives here to go where God has called them to share, but someone from China is going to reach people in China and their surrounding countries a lot better than, say, me. I don’t know Chinese, I’m not as familiar with the culture or customs, it’s just… there are more barriers to overcome. But I do think we need to be obedient to wherever God calls us, regardless of how hard it may be. And I’m thankful for the missionaries that are obedient to go across the world and share the Gospel. We need both those missionaries to pioneer paths, and local believers to take over and plant churches like crazy.

I have this annoying cough that keeps hanging on. I’m even thankful for the reminder of how much I appreciate good health!

I’m very thankful for my mom. I do feel convicted that I went overseas and shared my frustrations about her with a bunch of strangers. I do think they are praying for me, but also, I hate if they got a bad impression of her. I’m not one to say mom is perfect. But, she does love me so much, and she’s tried her hardest to do the best for Seth and I that she can. It’s just hard now, she cannot even take care of herself. She thinks I’m moving out because I hate her. That’s not true. I’m moving because I want freedom to live my own life. That’s totally normal for a 41 year old to want independence from their mother! So… I have an idea of creating a tool to help me express my thanks to her… it will actually be harder to use than to create. But… it’s hard now because she doesn’t believe me when I say I’m thankful for her, even though it’s very true.

I am so thankful for the new friends God has sent me. Going through 2021 was hard. I lost a whole community of friends. I still haven’t talked to any of those people to this day. It’s just so strange. Part of me understands why they stopped being my friend, but part of me is frustrated with their reasons. Still, I cannot control them, and I think I had to move on from there to grow.

Anyhow, I have been blessed with a few new friends at least, some from Bible Fellowship at Calvary, some from Central Triad, some from the missions trip I went on most recently, and those who helped prepare me for the trip by doing Masterlife Together with me, one friend I’d met a few years ago but life got in the way, and we’ve been reunited. So… I’m just very thankful for these blessings, and look forward to God using them to help me grow, and likewise allowing God to use me to help them grow.

I’m grateful for a new job!  Which, ends up will be PT to start with, but that’s okay. I actually am excited about it, and think it will be challenging for sure, but will be a blessing as well. It’s a 50% raise from what I make now! Anyhow… it will be good.

I’m thankful for a new place to live. A friend who owns her house and has extra rooms has extended the invitation for me to live with her a little while until I can afford life on my own. Which, I will need roommates, but that’s in the future, not today.

And yall know I’m grateful for food, food that tastes good, that’s nutritious, etc. What a blessing I’ve had, the only meals I’ve missed have been from my choice to fast, not from poverty. And I do worry about food shortages… but apparently rice has little bugs that come out, and I have a TON of rice, and I’d rather it get eaten than ruin, so if you know someone wanting a 25 pound bag of rise let me know… I’ve got several!

There’s so much to be grateful for, and I hope you’re able to reflect on that today, but really every day. Also say a prayer that my annoying cough will GO AWAY!!! Happy Thanksgiving! 

Random thoughts on opportunities

Opportunities. How do you know which ones to take? How do you know which ones are from God? How do you know which risks to take, or when to take them?

I was recently turned down from 3 job opportunities that I was well overqualified for. Now, I was puzzled, but someone pointed out that God may have closed those doors for me on purpose, because I would have settled for less than what He has for me. For someone that’s been fasting and breaking curses in her life though, I think… well, maybe there’s a point there…

And also maybe God knew I wouldn’t really like those jobs even though it would have been decent money. I got a job offer today, maybe two by the end of the day, and I’ve got another interview at the end of the week that I’m pretty sure I’ll get the job if I want it. Which, is kindof a cool problem to have.

A job is not really what I’m after though. I’m wanting to start my own business as a life coach. I’m teasing out things in my mind. I would like to work with caretakers, but also I think high achievement or high performance coaching would be fun. How you coach a caretaker and how you coach a high achiever may be different approaches. I probably need to stay with one niche. However, I just… I have a lot of thoughts. I don’t know that I would charge a lot for a caretaker. And I would need to offset that deficit. I mean, I don’t think I’d do it for free, but having a coaching business costs money. And, I actually do want to make money. High achievers have no problem investing in themselves. Seriously.  If you listen to personal development gurus, they’ll tell you to take 10% of what you earn and invest it in personal development EVERY YEAR.  So, if you make $100,000, take $10,000 and invest in personal development. Actually, it might even be, take 10% of what you WANT to earn in a year to invest. So, if you WANT to earn $250,000, fork over that $25,000 for a coach, a mastermind, seminars, conferences, etc etc. Now, caretakers on the other hand, often don’t have the resources to do that. They may not be able to work full time for caring for a loved one. They I’m sure could USE the advice and help of a coach, but affording one for thousands of dollars is just unrealistic. And I get that. I don’t know that I’d feel comfortable asking for even a few thousand dollars from someone in that situation. I’ve been there, done that. I’m a caretaker myself.

               I have thought about doing it by donations, knowing some wouldn’t give anything, but maybe some would give A LOT. I still might, but I might try to figure out how to make it work to coach both types of people. (I know, if you know me, coaching high achievers seems laughable.) AHHH I just got an email from Brendan Burchard. He’s someone I would love to emulate. Learning from him is expensive, but he would be one of the best. I just, I’d like a coach to give me some advice about this. Jonah is inaccessible now though. (He was my coach a few years ago.)

               You may be thinking, no one who knows you would use you. That’s true of most people. So, you go virtual. That opens up your clientele. And if you market well, you’ll attract your niche. Anyway, I wouldn’t charge a close friend of family member, except maybe ask for a review or testimonial 😊 I don’t know though, if friends and family take all your time you’ve got nothing left to make money!

               So, there’s all that… I want to go after it, I don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other, but I am just going to go for it and learn as I go. I’ll get some free guidance… but, I was trying to think, could I pull off a coaching business with an 8-5 job.  Should I work somewhere 7-3, or 6-2, instead. What if the 8-5 is substantially more money than the 6-2, probably the same as the 7-3. What if the 7-3 varies in what you make so it’s hard to budget with. What if you really need the 8-5 to get out of your mom’s house asap? I’m pondering so many thoughts. I’m leaning towards the 8-5 job, knowing that pulling off coaching at first will be very very very tricky. But… I want to go after the coaching. It seems like God is telling me to move forward with it. So I’ve just gotta go with it.

               Maybe I should ask which job would allow me to do short term missions trips once or twice a year. Talking about opportunities. There are a few opportunities I’d like to do next year, but I think finances are going to factor in, as this trip I would plan on paying for myself. So I guess that makes things a little more clear, what opportunities to pursue.  I will say, I’ve always been on trips with my old church, but what opportunities are there at my new church, if I even stay at my new church. I feel I don’t belong at either place 100%. I believe in prophecy and deliverance, and not that I don’t believe in healing, I don’t believe healing is as simple as just having faith and believing. I don’t think it’s right to say, well they had faith for salvation but not for healing. Or to put that pressure on someone, to make them second guess their faith if they aren’t healed.  I do think sin can put up blockades, but I don’t think anything is 100% always how it works. I don’t know. I just know I’m not down with the standard Pentecostal view. And this disagreement is making me wonder if I should instead stay at my old church.  But a friend told me, I won’t get deliverance at a church that doesn’t believe in deliverance, and that I could even get demons from people in that church that don’t believe. So… I’m perplexed as to what I should do. 

Luke 22:14 - What a beautiful verse

 

So, I’ve been challenged to take communion on my own as often as possible, I don’t every day yet, but, it has been good to really take time to reflect on what that meal meant, to Jesus, the disciples, and us today. I feel like in church we’re rushed to take it in 5 minutes, and maybe we miss what makes it so special. But, I wanted to unpack a few of my observations on the passage in Luke 22:14-20.

Vs 14. I love this verse. It’s quite beautiful to think about. When the hour came. The hour that was at hand was the hour of His betrayal and journey to the cross. He is deserted by those closest to Him, beaten, mocked, humiliated, spat upon, hit, flogged, a crown of thorns shoved on his head, the Bible says he was unrecognizable He was beaten so badly. And then He was led to a cross, where He hung, bled, unable to breath unless pulling Himself up with nail torn hands and feet… and He died. The hour of Christ’s death had arrived.

               But what is Jesus up to? Reclining at table with His friends. He’s chillin with His homies. He is choosing the last few moments of His life to be with His friends. He’s relaxed. His guard is down. He is with the men He considers safest in the world (except Judas, but He’s so gracious, He still loves Judas even though he betrays Him.)

               I think about this verse a lot. Do I have these kinds of friends in my life? Do I have faith to trust God on the eve of the greatest suffering in my life that I can just relax and be with my friends? What does it take to cultivate relationships like that? What does it take to not be anxious about what the future holds?

               Jesus obviously poured into the disciples for three years, teaching them and leading by example. So, those were pretty intense and intentional relationships. He sought out the men He wanted to do ministry with and show the kingdom of God. He looked for His assignment. Jesus modeled for us a healthy limit to the relationships He was able to commit to building. Sometimes, we’re tempted to take on too many people into our circles, and we over-extend ourselves. Sometimes, we choose the wrong people to minister to, people that don’t have our best interests at heart. And sometimes, we’re not intentional in cultivating the depth of relationship we need to sustain us when trials and tribulations come.

               Who are the people in your life you’d like to spend your final moments with?  A spouse perhaps, and kids and grandkids?  Other close relatives, or maybe a few close friends? Have you cultivated those relationships so that they will be in place for you in your time of need?  I don’t know that I know who I’d want these special people to be. But I do know I want special people to be there.

               Jesus wasn’t anxious about what was about to transpire because He was prayed up, and He was headed into a time of intense prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. He knew the hour had come. He was in fellowship with those closest to Him.

               We don’t always know if our next season or moment will be easy or difficult to navigate. But friends who are with us through the hard times are usually there for us in the joyful moments as well. I hope that you have the blessing of having cultivated a strong community of believers around you. They will sustain you when you’re about to go through your worst.

               I just love that Jesus spent his last few minutes enjoying the presence of His closest friends. That verse I used to just read past, but I’m glad I’ve learned to look more closely into what I read, and decipher what it meant and how it could apply to my life today.

India's Song

 It is a foreign land

I could not understand

    What they were saying

    What they were saying

I only know the noise

Was beautiful to You

    As they were praying

    As they were praying

In another place

In a distant space

Were my brothers and sisters in Christ

And you started to open my eyes

To Your Sovereign Power Over

All Your creation

As You orchestrate Your Children

Into their final destination

It is a wonderful land

With chaos every turn

of coming traffic

It seems the atmosphere was

Filled with smells of chai

and even magic

The food it was filled with spice

And the people were nothing but nice

They took us inside of their homes

Their hospitality knows

No limitation

No reservation

Each testimony I heard

pointed to the power of Christ

Each story was meant to convict me 

The Lord helped me realize

Some of these people

Were the first of their village

To hear of You

To accept You

And they patiently prayed

For their families

Over time they might see

them come to You

and bear fruit

They spoke of Your power and

Great things you've done

Healings and deliverance

That points to your Son

They said You are still at work today

They spoke of Your power in

a winsome way

Every word we shared planted 

a new seed

to reach the unreached is

their greatest need

We encouraged them to 

make disciples like Jesus 

said

The words of scripture came

alive with what we read

If each one

Could reach one more for Christ

Eventually rapidly

The church would be a light

that shines so bright

Against Hinduism and Islam

And other religions of bondage

Against all the world and satan

has kept them held hostage

There is a witchcraft spell

That keeps them under a curse

They worship the gods of 

destruction and much worse

Their idols line the streets

They go to the temple to worship

Those powers that keep them

in darkness

You know each lost person you

meet

Has no concept of what you mean

When you try to explain

our lostness

To them, the gospel has

never been shared

The name of Jesus 

they are not aware

But when you take the time

You'll find they may change

their mind

And make a decision

To follow Jesus

It may take many seeds

Before they are able

to listen

Because to them to follow

Jesus can be costly

I heard many stories of

believers beaten so grossly

or who lost their family

There were refugees whose

churches and houses were burned

I know in their hearts they

are longing for Jesus to return

They struck me to the core

As I wondered what's in store

for my country

As the tides are quickly turning 

Against Christianity

Not knowing that Christ alone

can set us free

eternally

I wonder if we've done enough

to disciple each other

I wonder when persecution comes

our way who will last

and who will go under

There will be a falling away

If you're reading this I'll

continue to pray

You'll abide in Jesus

every single day

We need deep roots 

If we're to last

And to the gospel 

we must hold fast

I asked our brothers and sisters to pray

That we would learn to pray

in the same power that they pray

knowing that trials would soon

come our way

As we grow more desperate for 

God to save

There's nothing like suffering

to keep us on our knees

To beg to the Father to

rescue us becomes our plea

In Hebrews 11 

We see giants of faith

some were spared of a gruesome fate

But some heroically 

died deaths of great tragedy

But it was only God they

wanted to please

And Jesus is with us

Each step we take

Whether through or burned

in the fire

Let our faith be proven great

It only takes the faith of

a mustard seed to move

the mountains Jesus said

This is my body broken for you as he gave the disciples bread

he said

If Jesus came to die

To purchase for us life

There is no greater sacrifice

To die is gain, to live is Christ

I do now know how God

has planned for me to die

I do know I submit to 

Him as a living sacrifice

And if it comes to martyrdom

I'll willingly pay the price

some have never counted the cost

When tribulation comes their

faith is lost

I want to be faithful to the end

Because Jesus has called me His friend

Jesus said if anyone would

come after me they must

deny themselves, take up their

cross daily and follow me

He never said it would always be easy

But he also said

Come to me all who are

weary and heavy laden

and I will give You rest.

My yoke is easy

My burden is light

He bore the yoke of sin

for us

He carries our burdens 

upon His might.

If Jesus died on the cross for us

To make Him proud we must

Not deny Him when the time comes

Stand strong, to Him we must run

Not that we earn our salvation

It is a gift from above

But when we show our devotion 

to Him it reflects our love

India stole my heart

And I don't know where to start

To share how my trip changed me

To grow in the faith I believe

The head bobbing and the 

chai breaks made me smile

The spicey beans and rise

grew tasty after a while

But it was their stories that gripped

my heart

Their testimonies now play

a part

Of who I am

Of my story

Of who I could become

Of who I'd like to be

I shared my testimony too

I shared a challenge that now

I will share with you

Tell all your family, tell all your friends

Tell all your neighbors, tell all you can

That Jesus is the only one 

who offers rest

That faith in Him will help 

you withstand any test 

This is my story

This is my song

Praising my savior 

All the day long

This is my story

This is my song

Praising my savior

All the day long